Protecting Your Child from Molestation

Child abuse in its various forms affects every community. In the past 10 days, we've watched the unfolding story of a one-time Wynola resident who was convicted of molesting three young girls. This week, Oprah Winfrey ran the story of twin sisters molested by their father and brothers for years in their own home in Kansas.

How can you know when your children might be at risk—from a loved one, a stranger, a friend, or someone esteemed in the community because of the position held? How do you go about talking to your children? What do you do if you learn that questionable or illegal activity has occurred? And how do you help your children recover? ... How do you recover yourself?

Each week, the Patch.com sites plan to bring you Moms Talk on a variety of subjects from the serious to the sublime and silly. We would like moms to weigh in on all kinds of subjects for discussion and then help us with your comments. What if your kid is getting bullied at school? When are kids old enough to start dating? How do you deal with an unplanned pregnancy?

This is no small undertaking and we need your help. Specifically, I need your help, always, to help Ramona.Patch.com be meaningful in your lives in every way.

I know that child molestation is not a fun subject with which to begin our conversation. I want to be sensitive to the fact that right now this is an extremely sensitive issue in our community. Yet as Patch begins its Moms Talk columns, how can we ignore one of the most important issues staring us in the face this week?

I am collecting prevention information from the San Diego County Sheriff's Department Child Abuse Unit to offer in another article. But this column and its comments section are set apart for your thoughts on prevention as moms. If you are concerned about leaving a prevention suggestion or comment with your name on it, you are free to e-mail me directly. My e-mail is at the top of the website on the left.

The goal here is to provide support through communication. I think we can glean a lot of general ideas from the countless books on parenting and from our own life experience which can help prevent children from becoming victims. Here are some ideas that come to mind:

Lead by example. Often, we hear parenting advisers tell us that children need to be shown an example of what is expected. Anyone who has taught any subject will know that, no matter the age, an example helps students understand what they need to do. I think it's true about teaching healthy relationships too. Kids need to know what healthy boundaries look like, so they can recognize when something doesn't feel right. They need to be shown that they are allowed and expected to have their own boundaries when it comes to their private space, bathroom time and their bodies.

Communication. When I asked Sgt. Chris Davis, who investigated the Mark Kinney case, if he could provide some general tips for readers, he said people need to talk. There'll be more on that in our article. But for now, let's just say that as the speed of our lifestyles increase, between commuting on the busy freeways and dropping kids off to practice, shopping, making dinner and preparing for the next day, we need to have our ears and eyes open for anything about our child's demeanor (or possibly a friend's) that doesn't sound or look right, and we need to be simply asking questions about our child's day.

Instinct. Going with our gut feelings. Intuition. Whatever you want to call it, it's powerful. At times in the Kinney trial, for example, witnesses testified that they saw things that "just seemed inappropriate"—not overtly wrong, just unusual. According to statistics quoted on the San Diego County District Attorney's website, 60 percent of molested children are victimized by a family friend or trusted leader, such as a tutor, youth leader, babysitter or neighbor. Pedophiles don't always look like pedophiles. Thirty percent of victims are molested by a relative, according to the website. Using instinct about people is critical.

These are just a few general, basic suggestions to get the discussion going. Perhaps they'll provoke thought. Perhaps someone might be helped or at least not feel alone. We welcome your input.